I try to love without hesitation and find the truths in nearly everything I come across but sometimes, the truth is difficult; even for me to handle at times. This is where I step into grace and just let the cosmos handle what is needed in my life.
Amber and I have since called it quits and she has opted to move to Texas to take care of her mom and to find her happiness. With this, I only wish her the best and complete understanding on my part.
But what happens to me? I continue to search on for what makes me giggle with excitement, cry without judgement, smile into the bliss of perfect moments that kiss my memories for a lifetime.
I wasn’t searching for any one person, or any thing with any kind of specifics in mind, just living life and finding my reason to smile each day.
What happens when he shows up and puts the period to your sentences, wraps you in the hug you’ve been longing for that some how puts all your pieces back together, or holds you above all others? How does it feel when he looks into your eyes and all you can see is forever in his? How do you thank someone for giving you everything, just by holding your hand and your heart settles in and feels at home? When your body has butterflies when he sings to you and all you can do is kiss his lips to show a small fraction of gratitude for the priceless reassurance that this is real.
Hey! Long time no see. What’s up with me? Where to start?
I’ve done many things so I guess I should start with why I was on hiatus so long.
After struggling with my happiness for so many years, I opted to live in the moment and to focus on my family and my mental health.
Me-ish
I divorced Rafe after 1 year & 8 months & 7 years of dating because the love was gone and the emotions were a vacant hotel left in rural America with zero traffic. Left Western Buyers because the toxic masculinity was a raging fire swallowing me up whole. I ended a 5 year relationship with a narcissistic man who had more mental marathons going on that even he couldn’t find the finish line and to be honest I’m pretty sure he gave up long before we ever met. But that’s a story for another time.
May The 4th Be With You
I raised my babies. My son, Kenny graduated from high school and just turned 23. We celebrated his 22nd birthday in Las Vegas with one of his close friends and he’s currently working in the medical field. My daughter, Aubry graduated high school as well and celebrated her 18th birthday and is currently awaiting the fall the semester to start so she can start her careers with children. Bumpy roads came and went and I’m certain there are more on the horizon but I’m confident I gave them the skills to maneuver them and the mental strength to handle whatever comes their way.
My mom, Amber, My Sister & Me
Am I better? Did things get figured out? What am I doing now?
Yes. Yes to all the answers and no to all the answers. After leaving Western Buyers I moved to Central California with my twin flame, Amber to start our lives together. She came out of left field and landed exactly where the stars and moons had her land. We are learning each other and moving through time and space as if tomorrow isn’t promised and yesterday was a fleeting moment. We survived the pandemic but that sure was an alarming month for us as our bodies battled the virus. Though we are still trying to shake off the after effects. I graduated high school finally and vocational school. I am a professional medical biller and coder and I currently work in a neurology clinic over seeing their patient accounts and helping patients and co-workers understanding insurance. I found my calling with this line of work as it came as second nature to me during school and it doesn’t feel like work to me.
Kenny Going To Ren Fair
Amber and me, along with Kenny, relocated to the Memphis Area of Tennessee to be closer to my dad, my sister, my mom and my nephew. Leaving California was scary but needed. I will always be a California girl, but these roots needed fresh soil. I was diagnosed with ADHD and I’m on the Autism spectrum, so that pulled the monkey wrench out of the spokes for me. It always put a lot of things in perspective as well.
Little Miss SunFlower
I’m going to go ahead and end this here as I will be returning more frequently, because; true to my form, I have stories to tell my friends.
I dedicate this song to Chester & everyone who loved him.
Yesterday while I was at work I came across Breaking News, Chester Bennington from Linkin Park was found hanging at his home in California, ending the tormented life of a great artist. It hit me in the heart strings. I was shocked that a man with such incredible vocals and a wide range of talents would choose to end his life but it actually makes sense; if you listened.
2 wives, 6 kids, more than 15 legendary songs and millions of fans, couldn’t save him. This tells me one thing, his struggles were deeper than the ocean. He has shared his life story with all of us through interviews and more importantly through the songs that he bled on stage singing for us.
The squelching lyrics, the raspy vocals and the longing in his melodies begging us to hear his cries, to save him from his agony and demanded that we understand that he was losing the battle.
This got me to thinking about how his songs were playing during some painful times in my life. His songs helped ease the pain maybe even made things a little more bearable. The living people standing in front of me, couldn’t help; but Chester’s music did.
Depression, anxiety, childhood trauma are the things that nightmare are made from and they move you one step closer to things you’d never imagine yourself doing. Mental illness is the catalyst for a lot of self harm. The proverbial boogie-man if you will. Some often say it leaves you crawling in your own skin or worse making you emotionally numb. Chester knew this boogie-man very well. Self medicating, alcoholism, etc. In the end, it claimed another great artist. Breaking the habit is hard to do alone and Chester is yet another sad example.
Which goes to show the reason some of the best musicians become “The Best” or “The Greatest” is because they can transform their pain, anger, heartbreak, etc. into the most beautiful form that transcends space and time and lives on forever, never hurting another soul but helping ease the hurt; giving you perspective that you’re not alone.
Hold on to Chester, don’t let his suicide claim your opinion of a man who was tormented until his last breath. He’s no longer being tortured, he’s free of the nightmare. If you love him, leave out all the rest and hold onto the memories. Let the music touch your heart.
Dear Person Who Is Reading This, Blog Worl–, Hello, dang it, (I never know how to start these things).
Hi, I recently turned 38 in April and I was on the verge of having my 17 year old son graduating high school, going to prom, struggling with classwork, and looking forward to my little sister and her son, my nephew, coming out to visit. I had a 13 year old daughter itching to be 18 already and blossoming into a beautiful young lady. My love was pacing by my side through it all, eagerly looking for opportunities to lend a helping hand. This was my life 7 weeks ago.
A lot can happen in 7 weeks. An embryo is the size of a blueberry, a plant seed will have emerged out of the soil and would already have at least two leaves on its stem; and by 7 weeks I had completely recovered from having a full hysterectomy.
So here I sit 7 weeks later, at my desk, at work (where I should be working but I’m writing a blog instead….shhhhhh) thinking about why I’m feeling sad. I liken it to when I had postpartum blues after having my babies; pondering why am I crying and feeling lonely when I have my arms full of cuteness wrapped in a blanket.
Miracles are amazing!
It’s because the chapter has ended and I’m transitioning into the next chapter. The chapter I was in, had adventure, and purpose and life and now it’s over. The milestones were reached, the visit happened and they’ve returned home, the graduation was completed, and now it’s just…what do I do now?
It’s almost like I’m mourning a loss. Which I guess I am. The loss of my baby boy. He’s technically an adult by the laws standards. He can legally vote now. He no longer has a “provisional” license anymore. He has a grown-up job at a mill. He has a wonderful girlfriend. He has his own life. Awwww man, he even looks like a man now.
So what’s next? I prepare for my baby girl, my baby, my last child, starting 8th grade. We look forward to her first semi-formal dance. We plan her graduation celebration. I dream about her first day of high school at the school where her brother left a legacy. She will shatter the expectations and blow away the teachers with her brains and organizational skills. I will watch my son soaring in the sky with spread wings and a smile on his face as he enters his own chapter in the book of life.
I will sit on the couch with Jordan and enjoy the many minutes we’ve gained in peace and quiet. We will plan outings and may even actually do some of the things we’ve been waiting to do “once things calm down.” I will plant a garden that actually produces vegetables instead of bug food. I will sit longer outside and watch our dog Bailey play coyly with our chickens. I will lay upon Jordan’s chest and reflect on how far I’ve come and how much I’ve checked off my list of accomplishments.
I will be happy with where we are because we’ve all earned it.
I sit here on a Wednesday afternoon thinking about the little boy who asked me a “very important question,” about 13 years ago on a humid southern day, if he could marry me and then proceeded to hand me a flower slash weed with roots and all. Kenny has always had such a loving heart. Sensitive to the tender things in life, but so proudly protected by a strong mind. It’s the humor that everyone gets to meet first though. His smile lights up his whole face and you soon find yourself laughing along, most won’t even know why they’re laughing, they just start laughing.
All I’ve ever wanted for him was to find strength within himself to achieve whatever his heart desires. I want him to see the world and to experience love with passion. I want him to work hard and be rewarded for a job well done. I want him to stand tall and have confidence. Above all this, I want him to have joy.
He has so much to offer this world and he’s only just begun. I know this milestone of graduation and turning into an 18 year old adult is going to pass by and it’s going to feel like the book is closing to him. To me, I get to watch my baby spread his wings and fly. I have the confidence within my parenting to know he’s going to do great things. I have all the love a mother can give to set him free and the comforting arms to welcome him when he returns.
He had his fair share of trials and tribulations to overcome and he’s plowed right through them. Sure some of them took a little bit longer than others but for the most part, he dusted off his knees and kept moving forward. He’s really morphed in front of me. I swear, I’ve been with him nearly every day of his life and I don’t remember where all the time went. It was like one minute he was sitting next to me on the front step telling me how fireflies glow at night and the next minute we are catapulted to him standing in front of me wearing a tux asking me, “How do I look?”
I don’t feel cheated because I haven’t missed a single minute or milestone with him. I’ve sat on wooden bleachers listening to a cafeteria filled with prepubescent boys and girls squawking out troubled notes from various instruments. I’ve dropped him off at numerous sports games, school dances and sleepovers. (Yes, boys have sleepovers too) I’ve been the steady shoulder to cry on when people have hurt him and I’ve been the loud mouthed mother defending her son. Together we’ve made a great team. This young boy has turned into a man right before my eyes and I’ve had the pleasure of watching it all happen.
Kenny,
You have been my rock when I needed someone, you have been my comic relief when times were tough, but through it all I have never been more proud of you than I am today. I can’t wait to see where you take your life and I’m honored to be apart of it.
SheerChaos.net 